I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Never joke about your clitoris.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
