Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize