I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
