i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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