You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
