I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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