Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
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