It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
