It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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