Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
