my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
