so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
