There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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