so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize