i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
