I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
