i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
