I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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