Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
