how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
