thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Randomize
