you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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