oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
