nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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