I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
