I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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