So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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