I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
