how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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