I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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