I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
