help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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