How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
