swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I just gargled with NyQuil
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
