What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize