I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
