Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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