New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize
