Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
