You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize