i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
