Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
