You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
