so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
