I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
