Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
