I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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