I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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