I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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