We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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