if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
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