He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
