I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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