the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
