oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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