did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
