tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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