Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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