she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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